I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
