he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
