2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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