I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
