I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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