you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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