you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize