I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize