My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
