Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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