my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
