In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
