He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
