It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
