sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
