I am spending my child support on dildos
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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