Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize