quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
