I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
