He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
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