Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
