he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
