also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
