I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
