What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize