carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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