Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
