I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize