What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
