then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
