Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
