I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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