There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm sobbing to NWA
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
