I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
