i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
