I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
sarcasm needs its own font
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
