I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
