Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
