Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
