I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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