i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
