from now on my penis is your penis
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
