so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Randomize
