If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
