got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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