whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
