There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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