I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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