Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize