I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
