well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
