I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
