fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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