Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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