make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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