Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
