I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
