I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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