i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
