My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
