Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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