I faked an abortion last night.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
