My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
