Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
