I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
